yesterday was basically terrible… there is no other word to describe it…i work very hard at my job i try everyday to do my best to raise these children as i would my own some days are so amazing and some days are amazingly awful. yesterday was one of the more awful days. i have(had) 8 two year olds enrolled in my class 7 boys one girl. the other teacher has 8 2 1/2 year olds so sometimes we have up to 16 kids at one time. yesterday we had 11. we were getting the cots out for nap time and i was on one side of the gate and the other teacher was on the other side i was passing the cots to her she was laying them out while the children were playing…the one little girl has downsyndrome and she was playing with the other children inside of the castle play area..it happened so extreemily fast i still dont know how exactly it happened and that above all will haunt me forever….. one boy who always always targets this little girl had her down on the floor, he was just scratching and biting her… he ended up biting her like 6 times in a row all down her back scratched up her face neck and ears… he beat her up pretty badly…she never screamed cried out or in any way at all let us know something was wrong. i was on the other side i thought she was behind the castle i didnt know she was inside it with them…i am so so angry with myself for letting this happen for not protecting such an obviously defenseless child from the rougher boy i knew was always mean to her..i cannot change what has happened and i deserved every bit of the 6 month probation i received…i laid in my bed last night and cried and cried.. tossed and turned and cried i could not sleep i couldnt think about anything else- the little boy was removed from our center and the parents are going to give me one more chance to take care of their daughter which i am wholly thankful for and beyond surprised i didnt think id ever see her again..had i not been punished i would have felt even worse about it-in no way does it excuse it or make it better but its a step forward and i will try to never ever let her get hurt again. maybe thats all i can do? who knows… i cant punish myself forever for something i cannot change but it will be awhile before i feel better about letting her down so much-yes i let the parents down but i let HER down and there is no excuse for that :(
there are toooo many places really.. id love to go to the egyptian pyramids… brazillian rainforest, australia to see the bats :D
its the things people say when they think noone is listening…the things that come out that they really truly feel that maybe they didnt really want someone to hear… but it was over heard anyway… the heartbreaking gut wrenching life changing words… i know u dont think i heard you but i did… and it has changed EVERYTHING… u may never ever know i heard what u said about me… and u may never ever know that it has changed our relationship from this moment on… but it has… and you only have yourself to blame…..
seems like everything is just getting old.. havent used myspace in over 2 years… facebook seems like its just for game playing.. thats the only thing ever in my timeline anymore… maybe tumblr will b different…im tired of the endless censorship.. im tired of people following just to b nosey and twist my words around to suit their own agenda… if youre intentions are malicious please just walk away now and save me the trouble of not only deleting you from here but from my life as well!! i need one place in this world i can be completely comfortable being me… if you dont like what i say and have something negative to say about it…say it to my face—post it here… tell me how you feel tell me you find me fucking disgusting if u so choose but no need to act like a 3rd grader stabbing me in the back… im tired of the junior high school bullshit and im tired of hiding how i really feel about things….have a question u really need an answer to?? ask me here..you can even do so anonymously if u so choose… im an adult.. dont act childish grow up and face my world as an adult as well….
clearing out what could’ve been.
I’ve been wallowing in my own confused
and insecure delusions
for a piece to cross me over
or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I’ve been hiding
in my shadow.
Change is coming through my shadow.
~~tool fortysix & 2